It's a Straight Deposit, People

Why do People assume I have nothing better to do but waste my time talking to them about trivial shit? I mean, seriously, I thought I had perfected the "I don't care about you or your issues so leave me the fuck alone" attitude. Apparently it was lost on the chipper little wench at Chase Bank this morning.

As it is Yom Kipper (Happy Day of Atonement to all my Jewish friends), traffic was very light and I had a little extra time to stop off to grab a bagel and then head over to the bank near my office to make a deposit. Most of you are aware of my distaste for The General Public. Thus, you may be wondering why I even had cause for any form of interaction with a bank employee. I'm aware that I can make a deposit at the ATM. That is my normal procedure. However, this morning I found myself short of the requisite deposit slip, forcing me into the bank lobby to gain requisite slip and make my deposit at the window.

Even knowing I had to deal with The General Public, I was certain the procedure would go smoothly as it was a simple straight deposit. No cash back, no questions, no problems. Once I filled out the deposit slip I could go right up to the window, slide my slip and the check under the 6 inch bullet proof glass, wonder what the hell was going on with all the intense tapping on teller's keyboard, then take my completed transaction and be on my way.

Yeah. Not so much.

I walk into to the lobby of the bank and am immediately greeted by two of The Bank Desk People, smiling widely and welcoming me to Chase. I should have known to run away screaming right then and there. Seems my BS radar needs a little fine tuning.

I smiled back and said "good morning," and headed over to the table to grab a deposit slip and fill it out. As I'm doing so, Bank Desk Person #1 walks over and says, "Oh, it looks like the sun is peeking through those clouds. It's going to be warm today, not like the cold day yesterday." Why I did not level her with the Back Off Bitch Death Glare is beyond me. By my acknowledging that it was indeed becoming sunny, I was now engaged in a conversation with this woman.

Seriously. All I wanted to do was make a deposit and be on my way to my office. I did not want to hear about her turning on her heat for the first time and the banging it made in the pipes as her house is an old colonial and when her mother-in-law comes over the air bubbles in the pipes make such a racket it frightens her as she lives in an apartment and she thinks someone is in the basement stalking her and when her husband is out walking the dog at night she gets a little freaked out by all the noise in the house.

At this point I lowered my head and scribbled furiously to fill out the god damn deposit slip that had turned into the bane of my existence. Bank Desk Person #1 had positioned herself at the table and waited until I was finished to say, "Oh I'll take that" and snatched the slip and check from my hands.

At this point, I'm thinking the Bank Window People are busy with drive ups and she's just providing good customer service to make my deposit at her desk and get me on my way. Because at 8:30 in the morning, the suit, pantyhose and pumps are a dead give away that I have somewhere I need to be and don't have all fucking morning to sit around and chat.

One would think.

I knew I was in trouble when she pulled out the chair in front of her desk and motioned for me to sit down. It's a straight deposit. There should be no sitting. It shouldn't take so long that there is sitting involved.

Bank Desk Person #1 starts waving over to the Bank Window Person and asking them to come and take the slip and check. At this point I realize I'd been had. There was no Exceptional Customer Service coming into play here, she just wanted to sell me something. After not getting Bank Window Person's attention, Bank Desk Person #2 comes over and takes my paperwork and sets off for the window. At which point Bank Desk Person #1 asks me if I'm aware of their "Refer A Friend" program. And I'm thinking, "Have you watched the news lately, Bitch? Do you really think I would advise anyone about what to do with their money in this, the most epic financial crisis our country has ever seen? Are you crazy or are you simply stoo-pit?"

I grit my teeth, plaster a smile on my face and explain that I know of no one who is interested in joining a new bank. Bank Desk Person #1 is clearly crushed, and I start looking to bolt. Sensing that the gig is up, Bank Desk Person #1 somberly nods in the direction of the 6 inch bullet proof glass and over comes Bank Window Person with my receipt.

It took 3 people to make my straight deposit. And conversation.

On my way out, I grabbed two handfuls of deposit slips. Won't fool me twice.